|Chapter 3 |
A
Gentle and Quiet Spirit
“But let it
be the hidden person of the heart,
with the imperishable quality of a
gentle and quiet spirit,
which is precious in the sight of God.”
1Peter 3:4.
A popular attitude now is strength. Yet, Jesus told us
“Blessed are the meek”! Without
realizing it, we have strayed onto dangerous ground, “sinking sand.” Boisterous
and rebellious women are common and accepted. In television sitcoms these women
get all the laughs. Meek is now regarded as weak. So when a husband strays from
the Truth, you'll hear Christians advise the wife to use the “tough love”
approach based on the book Love Must Be
Tough. In this lesson we will search God's Word to find out the Truth regarding
“tough love.” Is it still blessed to be meek, or is the Bible outdated?
Tough Love
Love is patient. God
gives us a description of love. See if you can find the word “tough” or any
word even remotely similar. “Love is
patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not
arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in
unrighteousness, but rejoices with the Truth; bears all things, believes all
things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails….” 1Cor. 13:4-8.
This I command you. Another
new idea in the church today (along with a title of another popular book) is
“love is a choice.” Read with me the following verse to see if God says we can
“choose” to love. Or does God command that we do so as followers of Christ? “This I command you, that you love one another.” John 15:17.
Love your enemies. Our
friends counsel us to “protect ourselves” and “not love those, who are difficult
to love.” Are we to love them or not? “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who
hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” Luke
6:27-28.
If you love those who
love you. In this passage God is even clearer. He even admonishes those who
only love the lovable. “But I say to you, love
your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you…for if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even
the tax-gatherers do the same?” Matt. 5:44-46.
Overcome evil with
good. The book that encourages us to be “tough” with our spouses tells us
that we should confront our spouses in order to cause a crisis. In other words,
we should take matters into our own hands. Read how we are to leave room for
His wrath. What does God instruct us to do? “Rejoicing in hope, persevering in
tribulation, devoted to prayer. Bless those who persecute you; bless and curse
not. Never pay back evil for evil to
anyone. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath
of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.
But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if thirsty, give him a drink; for in
doing so you will heap burning coals upon his head. Do not be overcome by evil,
but overcome evil with good.” Rom.
12:12, 14, 17, 19, 21.
He uttered no
threats. You may ask yourself “Why do I have to endure such suffering, and
not even have the satisfaction of vengeance?”
Read God's explanation for your suffering. “For you have been called for
this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for
you to follow in His steps…and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him (God) who
judges righteously.” 1Pet. 2:21-23.
Blessed are the meek.
If you don't take matters into your own hands and take a “tough stand,”
others (even Christians) will tell you that you are a doormat. Let me remind
you who Jesus said are blessed. “Blessed
are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” Matt. 5:5.
The kindness of God. We
have been deceived into believing that confronting, and being unkind and firm,
will turn the other person around. If that works, why would God use kindness to
draw us to repentance? Sinners do not go down to the altar to accept the Lord
because they think that they are going to be criticized or chastised, do they?
“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and forbearance and
patience, not knowing that the kindness
of God leads you to repentance?” Rom. 2:4.
The righteousness of
God. People may even remind you of when Jesus turned over the tables in the
Temple. They will use this example to tell you that you have the “right” to be
angry with others. God says He is a jealous God; can we then also be jealous?
“But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20.
That you may not do
the things that you please. When we have an impulse to do or say something
to another person that is anything but meek, then we are walking in the flesh
and therefore are not walking in the Spirit. “But I say, walk in the Spirit,
and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its
desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in
opposition to one another, so that you
may not do the things that you please. …But the fruit of the Spirit is
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
self-control.” Gal. 5:16, 17, 22-23. The old saying, “do unto others as you
would have them do unto you” is based on this Scripture, “And just as you want
people to treat you, treat them in the
same way.” Luke 6:31.
The error of
unprincipled men. God has warned us that we should not listen to or follow
men who tell us something contrary to Scripture. “Be diligent to be found by
Him in peace, spotless and blameless, and regard the patience of our Lord to be
salvation; just as also our beloved brother Paul, according to the wisdom given
him…in which are some things hard to understand, which the untaught and
unstable distort, as they do also the rest of Scripture, to their own
destruction. You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, be on your guard
lest, being carried away by the error of
unprincipled men, you fall from your own steadfastness, but grow in the
grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
2Pet. 3:14-18. If we know the
Word, we are much less vulnerable to accept error as the Truth.
You are to be
perfect. Some authors, and even some pastors, have told us that God doesn't
expect us to be perfect. What does God Himself say? “Therefore, you are to be perfect, as your heavenly
Father is perfect.” Matt. 5:48.
No one will see the
Lord. Another extremely important reason for your peaceful actions toward
your husband or others is that we are to let others see Christ in us. “Pursue
peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.” Heb. 12:14.
The ministry of
reconciliation. We are to be ambassadors for Christ in reconciliation. “Now
all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and
gave us the ministry of reconciliation,
namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting
their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of
reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors
for Christ, as though God were entreating through us; we beg you on behalf of
Christ, be reconciled to God.” 2Cor. 5:18-20.
Lest you too be
tempted. The following Scripture is a warning to us when we are not gentle
to others when they have sinned against us. “Brethren, even if a man is caught
in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of
gentleness; each one looking to yourself, lest
you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of
Christ.” Gal. 6:1-2.
Lest the Lord see it and
be displeased. Many women have been so happy to see their husbands “get
what they deserve” when God punishes their husbands with financial difficulties
or other trials. Later, things turn around for the better. Why does this
happen? “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be
glad when he stumbles; lest the Lord see
it and be displeased, and He turn
away His anger from him.” Prov. 24:17.
Doers of the Word. It's
important that we learn the Truth and agree with what we see in Scripture, but
we must not stop there. “But prove yourselves doers of the Word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves…not
having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man shall be
blessed in what he does.” James 1:22,25 “Therefore, to him who knows the right thing to do, and does
not do it, to him it is sin.” James 4:17.
Forgiveness
Many women do not forgive their husbands because they don't
fully understand the grave consequences of their lack of forgiveness. Let’s
search the Scriptures to see what God says about forgiving others:
The question we often
ask ourselves is “Why should I
forgive?”
Because God also has forgiven you. Because of
Christ’s death on the cross, God forgave us. “And be kind to one another,
tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Eph. 4:32.
For forgiveness of
sins. Jesus shed His blood for the forgiveness of all sins. “All things are
cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no
forgiveness.” Heb. 9:22. “For this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured
out for many for forgiveness of sins.”
Matt. 26:28.
Advantage be taken of
us by Satan. We need to forgive others, so Satan cannot take advantage of
us. “For if indeed what I have forgiven,…I did it for your sakes in the
presence of Christ, in order that no
advantage be taken of us by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his schemes.”
2Cor. 2:10-11.
Your Father will not
forgive your transgressions. God said that He won't forgive you, if you
don't forgive others. “For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your
heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your
transgressions.” Matt. 6:14-15. Make sure the forgiveness is not just lip
service. “So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you do not
forgive his brother from your heart.”
Matt. 18:35. (Read all of Matt. 18: 22-35.)
Reaffirm your love
for him, to relieve the offender's sorrow. “…You should rather forgive and comfort him, lest somehow such a one be
overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him.” 2Cor. 2:7-8.
But shouldn't the
offender be sorry if I’m to forgive?
Father, forgive them.
Those who crucified Jesus neither asked for forgiveness nor expressed
sorrow for what they were doing or what they had done. If we are Christians, we
are followers of Christ; therefore, we are to follow His example. “Father, forgive them, for they know not
what they are doing.” Luke 23:34. When Stephen was being stoned he cried
out just before he died, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them!”
Acts 7:60.
But how often does
God expect me to forgive another?
Seventy times seven. When
Peter asked how often he was to forgive his brother, Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but
up to seventy times seven.” Matt.
18:22 That's 490 times!
Remember no more. Does
forgiveness really mean that I forget that sin, even in an argument? “For I
will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” Jer.
31:34. “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our
transgressions from us.” Ps. 103:12. “Not returning evil for evil, or insult
for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a
blessing.” 1Pet. 3:9. You must understand that Satan will try to bring up old
transgressions in your mind. When he does, you must forgive again. Many of us who
have forgiven our husbands who have been unfaithful to us experience
“flashbacks” of the adultery after our husbands have returned home. It’s almost
like a type of spiritual war trauma.
We know that we must always walk in a spirit of forgiveness.
How can I forgive as
God has asked me to do in His Word?
God alone. Only
God can help you to do it. You must humble
yourself and ask Him to give you the grace. “Who can forgive sins but God
alone?” Mark 2:7.
Gives grace to the
humble. How do I get the grace I need? “God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble
yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you at the
proper time.” 1Pet. 5:5-6.
Humbled your heart. How
can I gain humility? “Because they
had rebelled against the Words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most
High. Therefore He humbled their heart
with labor; they stumbled and there
was none to help. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble; He saved
them out of their distresses.” Ps. 107:11-13. “I humbled my soul with fasting;
and my prayer kept returning to my
bosom.” Ps 35:13. We can work, fast and pray to obtain
humility. I have found that many
times God allows an illness in me or in my children to quiet and humble me.
When do I need to
forgive those who have hurt me?
Shouldn't I feel
convicted of it first?
First be reconciled to your brother. “If therefore you are
presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has
something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your
way; first be reconciled to your brother,
and then come and present your offering.” Matt. 5:23-24. If you have not
forgiven another, especially your husband, you need to ask for forgiveness.
Bitterness. Not
forgiving someone causes bitterness. The definition of bitterness is
“poison”! “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger…be put away from you.” Eph. 4:31.
Not forgiving another is eating at you, not the other person. “The heart knows
its own bitterness.” Prov. 14:10. “For He knows the secrets of the heart.” Ps.
44:21.
A brother offended. Be
sure that you take note of the following Scriptural guidelines when asking for
forgiveness. I have heard many who have said that things were actually worse
when they did ask for forgiveness or that it did no good. I can speak from
experience. At times, when I have asked for another's forgiveness, I have
stated it the wrong way and further offended the other person. “A brother offended is harder to be won
than a strong city.” Prov. 18:19.
Taking every thought
captive. Take your thoughts captive and look at your offenses as God sees
them and from the eyes of the other person. “…we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” 2Cor.
10:5.
Men pleasers. God
knows our motives and our heart. “…but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Sam.
16:7. “…In the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ; not by way of eyeservice,
as men pleasers, but as slaves of
Christ, doing the will of God from the heart.” Eph 6:5-6. “A fool does not
delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind.” Prov. 18:2.
Every idle word. Every
word you say must be carefully chosen. Prepare your every word. “Every idle word that men shall speak they shall give an account thereof in the day of judgment.” Matt. 12:36.
Begin by writing down what you are
going to say. Then read out loud what you wrote, putting yourself in the other
person's shoes and hearing it from his point of view. Does it sound accusing?
Ask God to put the right words in your mouth.
Many words. “When
there are many words, transgression
is unavoidable.” Prov. 10:19. “A babbling fool will be thrown down.” Prov.
10:10. Only say what you
did; don't set the stage with something like, “When you did this, and such and
such, well then I….”
He uttered no
threats. “Agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way
with him….” Matt. 5:25 KJV. If the other person starts to lash out at you, do
not open your mouth except to agree. “And while being reviled, He did not
revile in return; while suffering He
uttered no threats….” 1Pet. 2:23.
I am no longer
worthy. The prodigal son prepared his words after his decision to return
home and spoke them humbly: “I will get up and go to my father, and will say to
him, ‘Father I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your
son; make me as one of your hired men’.” Luke 15:18-19. God will raise up those
who are bowed down!
Sweet to the soul. Make
your words sweet and kind. “Sweetness of speech adds persuasiveness.” Prov.
16:21. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet
to the soul and healing to the bones.” Prov. 16:24.
Practice These Things
“For by these He has
granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, in order that by them you
might become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that
is in the world by lust. Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith apply virtue, and
to your virtue apply knowledge; and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control,
perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness; and in your godliness,
brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours
and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful…For he who
lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his
purification from his former sins…for as long as you practice these things, you
will never stumble.” 2Pet. 1:4-10.
Apply All Diligence
“He who diligently
seeks good, seeks favor.” Prov. 11:27.
“Be diligent to
present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed,
handling accurately the Word of Truth.” 2Tim 2:15.
“I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk
in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all
humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in
love, being diligent to preserve the
unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Eph 4:1-3.
In Your Faith
“Faith comes from
hearing, and hearing by the Word of Christ.” Rom. 10:17.
“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith.” 1Cor. 16:13.
“In addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to
extinguish all the flaming missiles of the evil one.” Eph. 6:16.
“For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.” James
2:26.
Add Virtue
“Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far
above rubies. For the heart of her husband does safely trust in her and he will
have no lack of gain.” Prov. 31:10-11.
“Many daughters have done virtuously, but you excel them all…a woman who fears the Lord she
shall be praised.” Prov. 31:29-30.
“Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good
report; if there is any virtue and
if there is any praise, think on these things.” Phil 4:8.
Apply Knowledge
“Take my instruction
and not silver, and knowledge rather
than choicest gold.” Prov. 8:10.
“A wise man is
strong, and a man of knowledge
increases power. For by wise guidance you will wage war and in the abundance of
counselors there is victory (or safety in KJV).” Prov. 24:5-6.
“For among them are those who enter into households and
captivate weak women weighed down with various impulses, always learning and
never able to come to the knowledge
of Truth.” 2Tim 3:6-7.
Then Self Control
“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who
captures a city.” Prov. 16:32.
“I will guard my ways,
that I may not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle,
while the wicked are in my presence.” Ps. 31:1. “He who corrects a scoffer gets
dishonor for himself, and he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for
himself. Do not reprove a scoffer, lest he hate you. Reprove a wise man and he
will love you.” Prov. 9:7-9.
“Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man
who has no control over his spirit.”
Prov. 25:28.
Then Endurance
“Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” James 1:3.
“And you will be
hated by all on account of My name,
but it is the one who has endured to
the end who will be saved.” Matt. 10:22.
“But remember the
former days, when, after being enlightened, you endured a great conflict of suffering.” Heb. 10:32.
Then Godliness
“But have nothing to
do with worldly fables fit only for old women. On the contrary, discipline
yourself for the purpose of godliness;
for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for
the present life and also life to come.” 1Tim. 4:7-8.
“But flee from these things, you man of God; and pursue
righteousness, godliness, faith,
love, perseverance and gentleness.” 1Tim 6:11.
“Instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and
to live sensibly, righteously and godly
in the present age.” Titus 2:12.
And in Godliness, Brotherly Kindness
“To sum up, let all
be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted
and humble in spirit.” 1Pet. 3:8.
“She opens her mouth
in wisdom and the teaching of kindness
is on her tongue.” Prov. 31:26.
“And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and
beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving
each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave
you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love,
which is the perfect bond of unity.” Col. 3:12-14.
And Finally Love
“Love covers a
multitude of sins.” 1Pet 4:8.
“Love your
enemies.” Matt. 5:44.
“…to love their
husbands.” Titus 2:4.
“A new commandment
I give to you, that you love one
another, even as I have loved you, that you
love one another.” John 13:34.
“Love is patient,
love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not
take into account wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but
rejoices in the Truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things.
“Love never fails….” 1Cor 13:4-8.
Yes, They’ll Know We Are Christians by Our Love!
Personal commitment:
To desire and strive to be gentle and quiet. “Based on what I have learned
in Scripture, I commit to do everything I have learned to be quick to hear and
slow to speak. I will forgive those who have offended me and do what I can to
reconcile with those I have offended.”
Date: _________________
Signed:________________________________________________