|Chapter 4 |
Kindness
Is on Her Tongue
“She opens
her mouth with wisdom
and the law of kindness is on her tongue.”
Proverbs 31:26 KJV.
Speech is one of the most important aspects of marriage and
of demonstrating the characteristics of a godly woman. Satan has again deceived
us in the world today; “counselors” and “marriage experts” tell us that it is a
lack
of communication that destroys. When searching the Scriptures, what do you
find that God has to say about our speech? Follow me as, together, we discover
the Truth:
It' s not a lack of communication! We are to watch how much we say!
Many words. Not
only is it not a lack of communication that causes problems, but when there is a
lot of talking and discussing, transgression (violating God’s Laws) cannot be
avoided. “With many words transgression is unavoidable.” Prov.
10:19.
Keep silent. Others
tell us to speak our minds and share what we think, but God says: “A man of understanding keeps silent.” Prov. 11:12. “One who guards his mouth preserves his life; one who opens
it comes to ruin.” Prov. 13:3.
Close your lips. Actually,
God says that we practice wisdom and appear wise when we say nothing. “Even a
fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise. When he closes his lips he is counted as prudent.” Prov. 17:28. “But
let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or
‘No, no’ - anything beyond these
is of evil.” Matt. 5:37.
Without a word. God
speaks directly to women: “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your
own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the Word, they may
be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe
your chaste and respectful behavior.” 1Pet. 3:1-2. “Let the woman keep silent in the churches.”
1Cor. 14:34.
Gentle and quiet
spirit. God finds the quiet woman precious to Him. Is this you? “…with the
imperishable quality of a gentle and
quiet spirit, which is precious
in the sight of God.” 1Pet. 3:4. “Guard what has been entrusted to you,
avoiding worldly and empty chatter and the opposing
arguments of what is falsely called ‘knowledge’ - which some have professed
and thus gone astray from the faith.”
1Tim 6:20.
God tells us to be careful about what we say!
Guard your mouth. How
many times have you gotten into trouble with the words you have spoken? “The mouth of the righteous flows with
wisdom, but the perverted tongue
will be cut out.” Prov. 10:31. “There
is one who speaks rashly like thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
Prov. 12:18. “He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from trouble.” Prov. 21:23.
What proceeds out of
your mouth? This statement is clear. What you say is very important. “For
by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned.” Matt. 12:37. “It is not what
enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man.” Matt. 15:11. “…put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander and abusive speech….”
Col. 3:8.
Give attention to
your words. This Scripture describes two types of wives. Which one are you?
“An excellent wife is a crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.” Prov. 12:4.
“He who gives attention to the word
shall find good.” Prov. 16:20.
Sweetness of speech. If
you have shamed your husband in what you have said (to or about him) or in your
attitude toward him, God is faithful to offer a cure. “A joyful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit dries up bones.” Prov. 17:22. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the
bones.” Prov. 16:24. “Sweetness of
speech increases persuasiveness.”
Prov. 16:21.
Righteous lips. Is
there anyone who doesn’t appreciate a kind word? “Righteous lips are the
delight of kings, and he who speaks right is loved.” Prov. 16:13. “Speaking
to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the
Lord.” Eph. 5:19.
Do away with childish
things. Have you matured? Or are you still a child who says things that
hurt others? One of the biggest lies we learned as children was Sticks and stones may break my bones, but
words will never hurt me. We probably still have not recovered from some of
the words spoken to us when we were children. “When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child,
reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” 1Cor. 13:11.
Arguments and strife are NOT good for any marriage!
Abandon the quarrel. The
definition of strife is a prolonged struggle for power or superiority. “Better
is a dry morsel and quietness with
it, than a house full of feasting with strife.”
Prov. 17:1. (A house that has loud and unruly children is anything but quiet.
Be sure your children are quiet and under your control! See lesson 14, “Your
Mother’s Teachings.”) “The beginning of strife
is like letting out water, so abandon
the quarrel before it breaks out.” Prov. 17:14. “A fool’s lips bring strife,
and his mouth calls for blows.” Prov. 18:6.
Are you well content?
“Therefore I am well content
with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties,
for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2Cor. 12:10. This
verse seems so incredibly unattainable, but it is something we must strive
toward. Let’s move through some other verses along with their practical
applications….
Rejoice always. The
first step to victory is to thank the Lord for every adversity. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!”
Phil. 4:4. Keep thanking Him either in your mind or out loud, depending on the
circumstance.
Offended. “A
brother offended is harder to be won
than a strong city, And contentions are like the bars of a castle.” Prov.
18:19. Please don’t allow yourself
to become offended by something that is said to you or how it is said; instead
listen with an open heart.
Don’t answer before you
hear. “He who gives an answer before
he hears, it is folly and shame to him.” Prov. 18:13. When you interrupt
someone who is speaking to you, tempers usually rise! Again, listen to those
who take the time to speak to you, always listening for the Truth.
The Truth shall make
you free. “…and you shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall make you free.” John 8:32. Sometimes it is difficult to
admit the Truth to ourselves and especially to someone else. But once you try
it, you will agree that it is the most freeing experience on earth! Don’t fear
speaking the truth about yourself; just do it!
Agree with thine
adversary quickly. Agree with your husband and others, especially when they
are angry. “Agree with thine adversary
quickly, while thou art in the way with him….” Prov. 20:3. “Keeping away
from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool
will quarrel.” Matt. 5:25 KJV.
Usually the one who is angry is ranting and raving about something that is true
or has some basis of truth in it. When you are humble enough to agree with
another person, especially when that person is out of control, you are reaching
spiritual maturity.
Go another mile.
After you have agreed with the other person, there is another step; you must
add to the insult or criticism. “But I say to you, do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right
cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him
have your coat also. And whoever shall force
you to go one mile, go with him two.” Matt. 5:39-41. This addition to
the insult or criticism also must be in the form of a compliment to the
accuser. “…not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were
called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” 1Pet. 3:9.
This may seem
impossible or too incredible to believe; however, I am not the only woman who
has had to walk this walk. Many of our husbands were living with other women at
the time, as well. Hopefully, this will encourage you. You must believe that
you can do what the Scriptures are
asking, no matter how you may feel.
Confess our sins. “If
we confess our sins, He is faithful
and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all
unrighteousness.” 1John 1:9. Confession is good for the soul; it works out the
sanctification of our salvation. “So then, my beloved, just as you have always
obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out
your salvation with fear and trembling….” Phil. 2:12.
Eliminate constant
friction. Is there constant friction in your home? “Deeds of the flesh are evident… strife, jealousy, outbursts
of anger, disputes, dissensions,
envying….” Gal. 5:19-21. “If any one advocates a different doctrine and does not agree with sound words, those
of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with
the doctrine conforming to godliness,
he is conceited and understands nothing; but he has a morbid interest in
controversial questions and disputes
about words, out of which arise envy, strife,
abusive language, evil suspicions,
and constant friction between men of
depraved mind and deprived of the Truth….” 1Tim. 6:3-5.
Not argumentative. “But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations,
knowing that they produce quarrels.
And the Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome,
but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged.” 2 Tim. 2:23. “Urge
bondslaves to be subject to their own masters in everything, to be
well-pleasing, not argumentative.”
Titus 2:9.
Slow to anger. You
have heard some say that, since Jesus was angry and turned over the tables in
the temple, we can be angry. But the Scriptures say, “But let everyone be quick
to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness
of God.” James 1:19-20.
Two of you agree. You
must try to find the area of agreement
instead of the point of disagreement.
“Again I say to you that if two of you
agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them
by My Father who is in heaven.” Matt. 18:19.
God is very specific about how we are to answer!
Do you
ponder how to answer? When anger or wrath is directed toward us, God tells
us the response we must make in order to glorify Him as Christians. “ A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.”
Prov. 15:1. “The heart of the righteous
ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.”
Prov. 15:28.
Do you answer before you
hear? How many times have you jumped in before you heard what the other
person was saying? “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.” Prov. 18:13. “By forbearance [a proper facial
expression] a ruler may be persuaded and a soft
tongue breaks the bone.” Prov.
25:15. (Or “soft answer” in the
KJV.)
Be content - NEVER
murmur nor complain!
Without murmuring or
disputing. Even if we don’t continue
to fight with the other person, we may continue to murmur or dispute under our
breath or behind the other person’s back.
“For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.”
Prov. 26:20. “Do all things without grumbling
or disputing.” (“Murmuring or disputing” in the KJV.) Phil. 2:14.
Learn to be content. “Not that I speak from want; for I have learned
to be content in whatever circumstances
I am.” Phil. 4:1. “…being content
with what you have; for He Himself
has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you.’ ” Heb. 13:5. (My late Grandma Brown was a woman who
demonstrated this fruit of contentment. No matter what she was doing, scrubbing
the floor on her hands and knees or doing her handiwork, she was happy. She
never complained. She said she never thought about where she would rather be
nor what she would rather be doing.) “But godliness is actually a means of great gain, when accompanied by contentment.” 1Tim. 6:6.
Do not crush the
spirit. Proverbs also tells us what our speech can do to our husbands’
spirits. “A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the
spirit.” Prov. 15:4. The definition
of perversion is “obstinate.”
Your tongue: small, yet deadly!
Set on fire by hell. “So
also the tongue is a small part of
the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold, how great a forest is set
aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue
is a fire, the very world of iniquity;
the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets
on fire the course of our life, and is set
on fire by hell.” James 3:5-6.
Both blessing and
cursing. “But no one can tame the
tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our
Lord and Father; and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness
of God; from the same mouth come both
blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.
Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water?” James 3:8-11. But thank the Lord that
“Nothing will be impossible with God.” Luke 1:37.
Guard my mouth as
with a muzzle. Here is a sobering thought: “Even before there is a word on
my tongue, behold O Lord, Thou dost know it all.” Ps. 139:4. “I
said, ‘I will guard my ways, that I may not
sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle.’ ” Ps.
39:1.
What does God think of a lying tongue?
An abomination to
Him. We have no idea how our lying can affect our testimonies as believers. “A soothing
tongue is a tree of life but perversion in it crushes the spirit.” Prov. 15:4.
“There are six things which the Lord hates, yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue….” Prov. 6:16-17.
Six things which the
Lord hates. Let’s continue to read more verses in Proverbs which tell us
more about lying. “There are six things which the Lord hates, Yes, seven which
are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying
tongue and hands that shed innocent
blood….” Prov. 6:16-18. Most of us are pro-life; yet, have we taken the
time to see what this verse is saying to us? God not only hates lying and
thinks it’s an abomination, but He also compares a liar to an abortionist! “Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue.” Ps. 120:2.
The father of lies. We
never want to lie since the devil is the father of lies! “You are of
your father the devil, and you want
to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. Whenever he
speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature; for he is a liar, and the father of lies.” John 8:44.
What does speech have to do with abuse?
Calls for blows. How
many times have we actually egged our husbands on with our cruel words or
cutting remarks? “A babbling fool will be thrown down.” Prov. 10:8. “A fool’s lips bring strife, and his mouth
calls for blows.” Prov. 18:6.
Guards his mouth. “The
one who guards his mouth preserves
his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” Prov. 13:3. When you are quick to
judge, belittle and challenge your husband, you may be headed for blows.
Instead, be silent. “A gentle answer turns
away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Prov. 15:1.
To sum up:
1. Watch how much you
say - with many words transgression is unavoidable. Instead,
let your communication be “Yes, yes” or
“No, no” - anything more than this will lead to evil.
2. Be careful what you say - by your words you’ll be justified and by your words you’ll be condemned!
Wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that when they are disobedient to
the Word, they may be changed without a
word by your chaste and
respectful behavior.
3. If healing is
needed, remember a joyful heart
is good medicine, pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones, and sweetness of speech adds persuasiveness.
4. Do not argue -
agree with your adversary quickly!
5. Think before you
answer. Give a gentle answer, ponder
(think a while) how you should
answer, and don’t answer before you
listen, because it is folly and shame!
6. Take the time to
learn to be content. Contentment is a learned attribute. You must learn to
be content in whatever circumstances you are in.
7. Walking in the
Spirit. Whatever is easy for us to do in the flesh, is of the flesh. Whatever is difficult to do and requires us to draw
on the Holy Spirit’s strength, is walking
in the Spirit. “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out
the desire of the flesh… these are in opposition to one another, so that you may
not do the things that you please.” Gal. 5:16-17.
Let us all first strive to appear wise by keeping
silent.
Next let us make sure that when we do open our
mouths
it is with wisdom, in kindness, and for edification.
Let our words be sweet and gentle.
Let us be a “crown” to our husbands and
“precious” in the sight of God.
Personal commitment:
To open my mouth with wisdom and kindness. “Based on what I have learned
from God's Word, I commit to remain quiet, to wait before I answer, and to be
sweet in all my words.”
Date: __________ Signed:
_____________________________________________________
May God be with you as you strive to be more like
Christ!