wife left RMT
She Was the One Who Left Him!!!
A woman emailed wondering if we could help her. Things were totally different in her situation. She wrote,
“I am the one who left and was in adultery. Can you help me? I became involved with a man and was convinced that I should leave my husband for him. I have three children who God had called me to home school who are now in the public school. One day while driving (after I had filed for divorce to be with this other man) God just came all over me. Instantly, I knew what I was doing was wrong and I went to my husband to beg his forgiveness and ask him if I would come home. By this time, his heart had gotten hard and he would have no part of me returning home. I was dumbfounded as my husband of 10 years had ALWAYS loved me and stuck by me.
Even though I had filed for the divorce, I called my attorney and dropped the divorce. However, my husband was able to re-file and the divorce papers were still valid. The more I tried to reason with my husband about getting back together, the more he was set on continuing with the divorce. I wondered at times if there was any hope.”
I wrote back to say, yes, there is hope and her husband is undoubtedly hurt and doesn’t trust her any more. “Reason” will never turn his heart or bring him into the revelation of forgiveness. And discussing things will drive him farther away because it is a spiritual battle, so if you fight in the flesh (by reasoning, begging and talking about it with anyone) you will lose.
"It will take the Lord turning him," I said, "exactly as He was faithful to turn your heart. It might take some time and a divorce might be necessary for the Lord to work and turn everything around, so don't try to stop it. “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus”—Philippians 1:6
I also wrote: “The Lord will take this time to mold you and change you so that you will glow in the goodness and love of the Lord. It will certainly be painful at times. He totally and completely had to make me over first before He would bring my husband around let alone come back home. And to encourage you even more, there is a dear friend who lives here in Pensacola whose situation sounds almost exactly like yours. She was the one who was unfaithful. She wanted a divorce and then she was the one who had a revelation about her condition before the Lord. When she repented and came back to the Lord, her husband refused to accept her back.
"It took some time and many, many trials and tests, but I saw this woman become one of the most spiritually powerful women I have ever met. What we found in all of this, is that her situation was really no different than in mine. Both of us were unfaithful to our heavenly Husband! Our common bond continued when both our marriages were restored.
By helping my dear friend, the Lord showed me that no matter how a woman comes to our ministry, the Restoration Journey is the same. Most who come are like myself: their husbands have left and are in adultery. Many other women come when their husbands are abusive, drinking or into drugs. Surprisingly, at least one-fourth of all the women who come have been in adultery themselves. And also that 100% of us were adulteresses and unfaithful to our FIRST love—the Lord!!”
That's when she wrote: “Do I cease ALL spiritual conversations and conversations about reconciliation and just let him see the work God is doing in my life? He told me that his pastor told him to go to counseling, but he refuses.”
I wrote: “Don’t you make contact, but when he does (or you just make contact when exchanging children) make it short, and be sweet, joyful in the Lord (not necessarily in your situation). And most importantly, ask for the Lord’s love to fill you so that you can love your husband unconditionally, which means loving him if he doesn’t love you back or even if he rejects you. Now I am not saying to love him aggressively. Since you have been the one who was unfaithful to him, this is one way your situation is different than most. Just remain sweet and quiet. Make no contact nor any advances. By showing your chaste and respectful behavior, winning your husband without a word, will show him that you love and care about him.
And be GLAD your husband is not interested in counseling!! It ALWAYS causes more problems and solves nothing because, once again, it is a spiritual battle so fighting this in the flesh will mean you lose the spiritual battle. Your consistent love (the love that’s found in 1 Corinthians 13), which is first patient, will win him since we have the promise that "love never fails." Love him enough to let go and then make the LORD your Husband!
Then she asked, “My husband wants me to tell him EVERYTHING about my adultery. I don’t know how to handle this.” I wrote: “Giving ‘details’ about past affairs can be very damaging to your future. Your husband is falling into the same trap many of us have faced, desiring to ‘know’ everything. However, since he is asking, as a submissive wife you must respond. However, try to be discreet and only answer what he has asked; go no further in the circumstances or details. Use the time to ‘minimize’ the feelings you thought you had for the other men and ‘maximize’ your love for him even when you were unfaithful. Also, share how it was clearly deception that caused so much of your adultery. Share your need for his spiritual protection that you got out from under which put you in such a foolish and vulnerable spot. Don't blame him, but let him know how you are no longer going to pretend to be the spiritual authority you bragged about and you are pulling out of church. And reiterate your awakening to the need for his protection.”
Then she wrote: “Last night my husband came over at 9:00 p.m. and stayed until 3:00 a.m. Even though there were some ‘rough’ spots, I could tell there was a calm and a peace in his heart. The main thing he is working through right now is memories of my unfaithfulness to him. My ‘words’ do not mean much to him at this time, because he feels he cannot trust me. So I am trying to just SHOW him on a daily basis my commitment to him and the change God has brought into my life through my actions. It is so much better when I hold my tongue and just smile!”
“Last night we also talked about me moving back into our home. I have been trying to be completely silent about this because I have noticed that ANY amount of eagerness means pressure, which causes him to go the other way.
Once before he made a comment about me moving back, but when my face lit up he quickly said, ‘But I am not sure that is what I want yet.’ I told him that I trusted him and whatever he thought was best. However, I confess that on the inside I am LONGING to be by his side every day again.”
“The divorce date is tomorrow and my husband is adamant about my going!” She let go of her attorney and her husband had already agreed she could stay home, but the enemy was working hard—since he knew his time was short!!
The morning of the divorce her husband called and said “DON’T GO! Stay home!!” He called his attorney and put the divorce on “hold.” This was the beginning of even more testing but after two months of her husband WATCHING her from a distance, he decided to ask her to come home EASTER weekend. The divorce was once and for all dropped. New life had begun in their home.
Update: Together Julia and her husband minister to other couples and email me often for wisdom. They have been restored for several years now. Julia still does not attend church, her husband attends a church and is a deacon. Instead of her going, her husband comes home to share the sermon with her and discuss it with her throughout the week instead of watching television or sports! He has encouraged her to go with him, but she explained to him that what mattered most was hearing it from his mouth, not his pastor after she showed him a couple of verses she read and asked him the meaning about.
"If they [women] desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church"—1 Corinthians 14:35.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless"—Ephesians 5:25-27
As a result many of the wives remain home and these husbands formed a Wise Man group to study their roles and the Bibles more. Julia ministers to the wives in a Home Fellowship, the same Home Fellowship she started when her husband would not let her come home, which helped her find the fellowship with other women that she said was paramount to her restoration and becoming and remaining the LORD'S bride!
~Julia in Wyoming, RESTORED